Writer’s Name: Mallory Wehr
Reader’s Name: Olivia Thompson
1. Is the introductory paragraph engaging? Why or why not? What does the writer
give you to make you want to continue reading?
- The introductory paragraph is engaging because Mallory describes how she had never been to Colorado before.
- She had never experienced the mountains of Colorado and is accustomed to the “flatness” of Indiana.
2. Is the point or purpose of the description clear? Can you find a sentence (or
two) that reveals the writer’s reason for writing this descriptive essay? If the thesis
is explicitly stated, copy and paste it below…if the thesis is inferred, type what you
believe to be the writer’s thesis below:
Thesis:
- “I was deeply affected and surprised at how much I could appreciate a season I used to loathe. I was so thankful for this experience. It gave me a chance to be grateful for nature in a different perspective and in different part of the world.”
3. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you
make about adding specific details? What else would you like to know?
a. Where would you like the writer add more visual detail?
- The visuals that are described during the essay are very accurate and make it easy to picture the scenery in your own mind.
b. Where would you like the writer add more sound detail?
- The writers should add more sound detail that is heard while riding up the ski lift. She should describe if there are any animals that can be heard or if it was completely silent.
c. Where would you like the writer add more smell detail?
- The writers should describe the smells that are in the resort. If the room smells like pine or clean.
d. Where would you like the writer add more taste detail?
- The writer has no need for the taste detail. She is not eating anything in the essay and it is unnecessary to include this sensory.
e. Where would you like the writer add more feel or touch details?
- Details based on touch should be added during her trip up the mountain. She should describe if the sun is warm on her face or how cold the wind is upon her skin.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the essay’s thesis? Is
it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the description or observation
the writer is providing? Why/why not? Indicate the paragraph(s) that don’t seem
to fit the focus of the essay below:
- All paragraphs do help to contribute to the development of the essay’s thesis.
- The paragraphs relate to how the writer perceives her surroundings. The changes in air and the amount of snow around her.
- All paragraphs seem to fit accordingly.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Do the
main ideas seem logically organized (using chronological or least-to-mostimportant or spatial order, for example)? Why/why not? Note the paragraph(s) that
seems out of order below:
- The paragraphs read well the way that they are. They seem to be in chronological order and adequately organized.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there
transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are
connected? Let the writer know which paragraphs need transitions. What could
the writer do to make the connection between the main ideas expressed in the
individual paragraphs and the thesis clearer?
- I believe the essay structure is adequate. It reads nicely and expresses how the feelings about winter are positive rather than negative.
7. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper.
Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What
suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
- The details described in this essay are very good. It was as if I were on the ski trip with you.
- Describing the differences between skiing on a real mountain and previous ski trips would be an interesting addition to your essay.
- Describing why you loathed winter before taking the trip would make your thesis more adequate.
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